A Little Tantrum of My Own

I have been excessively grouchy and stressed-out lately. I'll try to break it down by the following topics:

1. So, it rained this week. A lot. I'm trying not to panic and get my seasonal affective disorder yet. It's still AUGUST and I have plenty of time to figure out what I'll do with two stir-crazy kids for the entire winter, right? For now, I need to enjoy being outside as much as possible. Run! Drink wine on the patio at night! Take Annie and Jemma on walks to town for the sole purpose of making them tired! But, still, the dread of winter is growing within me . . .

2. Jason. It's been a big week for Jason. Lots of working, lots of late nights, a gig, some mountain-biking, and then, today, the acquisition of his long-awaited new TV. It was expensive, it's gigantic, and I hate it. (To be fair, Jason has hung in there with our 2-inch TV from 1986, borrowed from his parents, that we've had for our entire married life.) So . . . there hasn't been a lot of communication. Or a lot of anything warm and fuzzy in the marriage department this week. I resolve to make a date night for us within the next seven days, and maybe to quit stamping my foot and marching from the room in a huff when he does/says something that irritates me. He really is the best husband in the world, usually.

3. Annie. Poor thing, she's just been having such a hard time lately. I don't know if she's overtired, getting sick, feeling pressure about all her upcoming "big girl" events, or what, but the constant whining, defiant attitude, and frequent tantrums are putting me right over the edge in the patience department. We have this new thing we do when she's upset and can't calm herself down. I hold both her hands, we look at each other, and we take deep breaths in and out until she can stop crying or at least listen to me talk to her about it. Frankly, the deep breathing is more for me than for her. I need to remember that she's still technically only TWO and her world must seem so uncontrollable and scary sometimes.

4. Jemma. During the day, unless she's tired, my little sprout is so fun to be with. She's curious about her world, sits and plays happily, crawls around, enjoys the outside, etc. It's at night that Jemma is causing me stress. She's waking up almost every night between 3:00 and 4:00 and then begins the crying. It's approximately every 7-8 minutes, which is just long enough intervals for me to ALMOST fall back to sleep, and then she cries again. I can't decide if she's truly getting hungry this early and I should just go and feed her, or if she's relying on the nursing to soothe her back to sleep so I should quit going in and she'll eventually make it through the whole night without eating. In any case, I'm a zombie because I often don't really get any quality sleep once this all starts. I might as well start going to bed at 8:00 p.m. and starting my day at 4:00 with some e-mailing and light cleaning . . . speaking of cleaning . . .

5. My house. It's in a constant state of chaos in spite of my daily efforts to clean, organize, and keep up with the constant tasks. Just as I've cleaned the bathrooms again, I realize the floors look dirty. Just as I've organized the kitchen, I get new groceries and cook a big meal that dirties hundreds of dishes. And our bedroom! I won't even pretend that it's EVER in a "clean" phase, since there's always either dirty or clean laundry piled up somewhere, waiting to be washed or put away, and the bed is never, ever made. What to do?

So, there's my little tantrum, in a not-so-short version. In spite of all this, I remind myself every single day how blessed and lucky I am to be living here and now. I have people to love who love me back; I have health insurance and a car that runs and a safe, beautiful house; I am healthy, educated, and free to make my own choices. Tomorrow, a little time to myself to read, breathe, run, and organize my week ahead might prevent another tantrum. I hope, I hope . . .