Hard jobs I have had in the past:
-picking blueberries
-sorting blueberries from sticks and dead animals as they go down the conveyer belt, standing up in a hot, noisy shed for 8 hours per day. When I was 14.
-babysitting, particularly for one family with a 3-year-old, 18-month-old, and six-week-old, usually from afternoon until 1 or 2 in the morning.
-working at a dry cleaner's (okay, that one was actually just boring, not hard)
-teaching 2nd grade and all the management, planning, sweating, and hand-holding that entails
-substitute teaching and student-teaching all manner of ages from middle school to high school
-answering a 10-line phone system at a major company
I am not a complainer. I AM a very hard worker. And yet, nothing has prepared me for the relentlessness that is motherhood.
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A Daily Show exchange I saw a few months ago, where Jon Stewart (my secret love) was interviewing Angelina Jolie:
JS: "So . . . how many kids is it gonna be? 8? 15?"
AJ: "You know, we're not sure, but we're thinking 12 or 13 might be right for us" (or something along those lines)
moment of shocked silence by JS, then
JS: "Really? Because, right now, two is kicking my ass."
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I had an OB/GYN appointment recently to discuss, shall we say, certain future contraceptive possibilities. A decision was reached. When I checked out, I had to tell the helpful scheduler why I needed to make another appointment, because she assumed I wouldn't be back for another year.
"I need to schedule a follow-up appointment."
"What for?"
"Ummmmmmm, the Mirena . . . (searching brain for appropriately PC term) . . installation? implantation? . . . (uncertain smile) . . ." Several other people now looking at me.
But I didn't let the humiliation stop me. No, sir. June 6 just can't get here soon enough.
(Apologies to Shawn Bergsma, Mike Porter, and any other male readers who don't wish to be given with that information. But hey, it's my blog, and after today, I'm just putting it all out there.)
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It's been a tough few days. Nothing huge or mind-blowing, but the kind of constant combat that makes you wonder if you're doing something all wrong. I really, really want this time in my life (and in my girls' lives) to be something amazing to remember; after all, that's why I started this blog - so we'd capture the moments that make all the hard work worthwhile. Sadly, right now I'm in a place where I'm wondering if being a stay-at-home mom is right for me. I have always been in awe of women who can make it all happen (working and parenting) and I never thought I'd be able to balance it all. I thought I'd be short with my children, stressed out, unhappy with the way my day was divided into little chunks. So I'm home, and sometimes it is totally worth it. But sometimes, I'm short with my children, stressed out, and unhappy with the way my day is divided into little chunks. Also, I'm disappointed that, in spite of my commitments to keep my adult relationships strong and carve out time for hobbies and passions of my own, so much of my self-worth seems to come from how well-behaved my kids have been (something I am beginning to suspect I have less and less control over even when I am doing my best impression of Nanny 911).
Is it this hard for everyone else? Does it get easier? Am I being too hard on myself? Would some sort of job provide a good release for me, or just add another layer of stress to my life? Fellow bloggers, bring on the wisdom. Please.
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4 comments:
My feeble two cents...
ANY job has it's ups and downs. Every day at any job you are repeating tasks that drive you nuts and doing things you have to do and dealing with people and/or uncomfortable situations at one point or another. Sometimes (on bad days) I look at the job of being a stay at home as just that - a job. You don't have to love it every second and you get to acknowledge that it is ridiculously hard. But you wouldn't want anyone else doing the job. And you secretly do really, really love it the majority of the time. Raising realy little people is damn hard - straight up.
Dont worry that you are going to make me blush. After the experiences that Steph (my Stephanie) went through after having Olivia, there is not much that will make me uncomfortable.
My two pennies will ditto Sarah's.
Right down to the very last point.
I'll only add this, as it's something I feel quite strongly about: your self-worth comes from YOU, not any other person, child OR job. I do know what you mean...especially as a teacher. There is an undeniable sense of fulfillment and purpose that comes from teaching. And take it from someone who intimately relates--teaching might actually be the one job I feel is closest to what we do. But like Sarah said, every job has its woes. And every person who works deals with stress, frustration and no doubt insecurity about his/her decision.
There's no perfect answer.
But if you ask me...at the end of the day, if you HAVE to identify the place from which you are building your own self-worth...if its too hard to look inside and see it on your own...then is there any better place than your own children?
Besides...never, NEVER underestimate the value of well-behaved children. Even though those moments are fleeting, when you can identify them and feel good about your role in them, it's my belief that you're witnessing the building of strong character.
Ok.
Now I'm off to give a speech at the Junior League.
Hmmm...Yes, I just have to say that "Wow, having two is easier than I thought it would be. Maybe someday (well into the future) we'll add another to the mix." Some days I think "Wow, having two is easier than I thought. I'll never disrupt the flow having another child." And then there are the days I think "Oh my gosh. I can't handle two children. I'm going insane. I just want to go back to work. I'm so jealous of Lance having conversations with adults. All day." Yep, it's just a hard, but extremely rewarding job. Better than blueberry picking any day! (And FYI, I think we'd all rather read about the Mirena than the dead animals! Yuck! I may never eat a blueberry again!)
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